


Playing With Fire

by triplegingersnaps



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: FWP (feelings without plot), First Kiss, M/M, Set after the Nein return from Travelercon, spoilers for ep 97
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-22
Updated: 2020-03-22
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:34:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23257750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/triplegingersnaps/pseuds/triplegingersnaps
Summary: After being told he's not supposed to see Essek alone, Caleb sneaks away to do exactly that.
Relationships: Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 12
Kudos: 185





	Playing With Fire

"I snuck out," Caleb blurted out, as soon as he saw Essek's face peering out of his front door. Essek looked as well put together as he always did, his mantle in place and his hair impeccable, but his eyes looked tired.

"I didn't know you were back in town. Why did you have to sneak here?" Essek looked concerned and began motioning for Caleb to enter, ushering him inside. 

"It's Beau, she doesn't want us alone," Caleb answered, and he felt his cheeks warm. "She doesn't trust —” he paused; he wanted to say ‘us’, but didn’t want to bring attention to their mutual damnation this early in the evening, so he settled on, “wizards."

"She shouldn't," Essek said, his voice rueful. "So - what is it that's important enough to go behind your friend's back?"

"You wanted to copy that spell..." Caleb trailed off, realizing in the moment how mundane it was. And really, it was just an excuse. Caleb could have filled a whole book with reasons he wanted to speak with Essek, and why he wanted to do so alone. 

He had wanted to see Essek since the night the negotiations finished. He’d spent many sleepless nights thinking about the man, about the situation they’d all found themselves in. The Mighty Nein was split in its positions on what to do with Essek. Veth and Beau remained steadfast that Essek deserved punishment for his crimes, despite disagreement from the rest of the group. Caleb had mostly stayed quiet during these discussions, the white hot agony in his soul overwhelming his senses. 

Veth should have known the impact her words would have on Caleb. Beau should have known. They alone knew what Caleb had been, that he himself was irredeemable, no better than Essek. A part of him wondered if Beau would want him punished, next.

Caleb felt that all he could do was reach out to the Essek, to try to get further under his skin until he was able to show enough remorse for Beau and Veth to forgive him.

And, if he was being perfectly honest, he simply missed Essek's company when he wasn't around. The Mighty Nein were wonderful friends, but there was something to be said for speaking to someone who truly understood and shared Caleb's love of magic. And perhaps, yes, he found the man attractive and alluring as well.

He wanted badly to trust Essek. And he was willing to go the distance to reach that point.

So, forbidden from seeing him unchaperoned or not, Caleb snuck away.

“The spell! Yes,” Essek said. He shut the door behind them and turned, smiling warmly at Caleb. Caleb couldn't help but get momentarily lost in Essek's beautiful face, but he caught himself before he did anything embarrassing.

If Essek noticed, he did not acknowledge it. Instead he pulled his mantle off to hang it at the door and turned away, leading the way into the tower. Caleb followed quickly behind, noticing but not commenting on Essek floating instead of walking. 

Caleb expected to be taken up the stairs to the lab, but instead was led behind them to a small sitting room. The room was decorated nicely and was pristine enough to show how rarely it was used. There was a couch and a few chairs surrounding a small table, each seat adorned with a little decorative pillow. 

“I thought this might be more comfortable,” Essek explained, "unless you wanted to see the lab?"

"No, this is fine," Caleb said. He took a moment longer to look around the room as Essek went to sit on the couch.

Caleb had a moment of insecurity over where to sit. He wanted to be close to Essek, but worried that sitting next to him on the couch would be coming on too strong, and considered taking a chair instead. He stood paralyzed with indecision until Essek looked up and patted the seat next to him.

Caleb swallowed his nerves and sat a good foot and a half away from the other man, extremely aware that this was their first time alone together. He had known that going in, but now that he was in the moment his nerves were on fire. He hoped Essek couldn't feel the heat radiating off of him.

Essek remained seemingly unsuspecting of Caleb's anxiety, and he pulled his spellbook from the pocket dimension he stored it in, along with a quill and ink. A quick spell later, all were floating in the air in front of him, unmoving as if they were resting on a desk. Caleb pulled his spellbook from his coat and opened it to the appropriate page, and after a moment it too was floating next to Essek, who began hurriedly copying.

It took a few hours of sitting before Essek was finished. At times, while Essek was copying simpler parts of the spell, they were able to talk, and Caleb found his anxiety melting away quickly as they eased into conversation. Talking to Essek was so easy and natural for him. In particular, they discussed the spell being copied, and Caleb’s experience successfully casting it for the first time. They discussed the need to keep such a spell quiet, as it could easily be abused if put into the wrong hands.

Other times, when Essek needed to focus more, Caleb would sit quietly, casting glances at the man next to him. Essek was a gorgeous man, and Caleb often felt overwhelmed looking at him - especially in those times that Essek looked back at him with intensity in his eyes. Caleb knew how Essek felt, it was plain as day. For a time, he'd felt that Essek was too good for him - somebody too perfect for a man like Caleb, who had done the things Caleb had done. He felt that Essek would change his mind knowing about Caleb's history. But knowing what he knew now, he couldn't help but feel that maybe Essek would understand him.

Of course Caleb knew it was a terrible idea to allow himself these feelings for Essek. He knew it was a terrible idea to even be here, to put himself in the position where those feelings could be brought out into the open. Essek was a dangerous man, and a dangerous man to be attached to, and falling for him was a risk that could cost Caleb his life.

But Caleb was used to playing with fire, so to speak.

Hours later, after the spell was copied, Essek waved a hand and his spellbook and supplies vanished. Caleb took back his book and Essek turned to him, giving him a melancholy little smile. “Thank you,” he said. There was a hint of sadness in his voice, the same sadness as when he’d talked about his regrets. “Do you want me to lead you to the door?”

“Oh,” Caleb said, a little surprised. “If you wish for me to leave.”

“Only if you wish to leave.”

Neither man was willing to admit to wanting to stay and chat, but Caleb certainly didn't want to go. There was still much to talk about.

After a brief moment of uncomfortable silence, Caleb said, “I would like to stay, if you’ll have me.”

Essek looked surprised, but happy. “Of course!” he said, a little too quickly.

For a while they talked, mostly about the Mighty Nein's recent adventures. Caleb told Essek about the dragon turtle, about Travelercon and the stunts they'd pulled. Essek was, as always, impressed by what the group was capable of. He sat and listened quietly, asking questions here and there, but mostly, it seemed, just enjoying listening to Caleb talk.

“Perhaps one day you could join us,” Caleb said. His friends had talked about it, as an option, and perhaps he was jumping the gun by asking now, especially with Beau and Veth still thinking of more serious punishment.

Essek's face was showing something between longing and fear. "I've never done anything like that," he said, his voice anxious, "but I think I'd like to."

"It's a lot of sleeping on the ground," Caleb teased, and Essek's face scrunched a little. "But you'll get used to it."

"I suppose I'll invest in some adventuring gear," Essek concluded. "Where would we go?"

Caleb paused; he was unsure how much he should reveal of what the group had discussed, but he decided to go all in. "We've talked," he said carefully. "We'd like for you to meet an old friend of ours. Her name is Kiri, she's a little kenku girl. She was orphaned in the war." He watched the warm smile on Essek slowly fade as he realized what Caleb was implying. "We think it would be good for you to meet somebody whose life was shaped by what you... Created."

Essek sighed and looked away, smiling sadly. "If that is what you wish for me, then I will."

Caleb looked at him with sadness in his heart. He hated seeing Essek look so dejected, and hated knowing that he'd been the one to sour the mood. But he needed so badly for Essek to come out of this a better person.

Every part of him was screaming at how selfish he was being for this. He needed Essek to change so that he could believe in his own worth. He needed it because he needed validation. He needed it because he didn't want to lose this friend. He didn't know if Essek was willing, or even capable of change. Caleb had told himself over and over that he was, but now, in the moment, he had to know.

“You feel guilt, right?”

Essek closed his eyes and sighed deeply. When he opened them again, he fixed them on the ground, looking nowhere near Caleb. When he spoke, he was quiet. “Yes, of course I have guilt, but if I'm being honest, Caleb, I have done nothing with that guilt but put it in a little haversack and tuck it away. I can't let myself feel it. It would consume me."

Oh. Caleb knew that feeling all too well, and he reached out to take Essek's hand. He looked at Essek's face, the bags under his eyes, the weary frown. He looked weighed down by the gravity of what he'd done, perhaps more than he realized.

"You can let it out, small bits at a time," he offered. "But you cannot keep it locked away forever. It will destroy you. You'll either lose it entirely, or one day it will come pouring out like a dam has been broken. You have to let yourself feel, Thelyss."

Essek winced slightly at the words, but finally looked up, allowing his eyes to meet Caleb's. There was a deep painful sadness in them.

“If I let myself feel it, how will I ever let myself continue to live? Caleb, I have done a terrible thing. Many terrible things. A man like me deserves nothing. Instead I can choose not to feel, and continue to live a life as a terrible man, and--”

"You will not!" Caleb said. “You will not. What you have done - it’s the past. We can feel pain about our pasts and strive to right the wrongs we have committed. We can use that pain to drive us forward. We can learn to tolerate it so that we’re not living in constant anguish.”

“Caleb —“

“It’s hard, it’s so hard, but it’s what we have to do.”

“You say ‘we’,” Essek said. “I don’t know your past, Caleb, but I know that you are a far stronger man than I am.”

“No. I have just been given a chance that you have not," Caleb said. He paused to think over what Essek had just said. He’d known coming into this evening that he might wind up telling the man his history, to convince him that they were equals. He looked Essek intensely in the eyes. "Most of them," he continued, waving in the general direction of the Xorhaus, "don’t know my history. What I am about to tell you, you must keep quiet."

"You don't have to do this," Essek said. "I know you don't... trust me," Essek winced at his own words, but then quickly added, "which I understand."

Caleb looked at Essek keenly, trying to make a final judgment of his character before making that plunge. He had no reason to trust Essek, who had lied to him and his people since they'd met him. But as he looked at the man next to him, he no longer saw the confidence or the air of superiority he'd once had. Instead, he looked broken down and tired. He looked truly like a man whose sense of self was shattering around him.

He looked like Caleb had felt, in his past.

"I trust you with this," Caleb said.

Essek nodded, but didn't say anything.

Caleb sighed and squeezed the hand that he was still holding tightly, gripping onto Essek for strength. “I - I murdered my family,” Caleb looked to the ground, his shame ever present when forced to confront his past with words. “When I was a child, I had an eye for magic. The Academy scooped me up.” He did not mention Astrid or Eodwulf. “And soon, I was studying under Mr. Ikithon. He was a vile man.” Caleb felt himself begin scratching at his arm with his free hand, and he wanted to stop, was embarrassed about it, but it was a small comfort that he couldn't keep himself from doing. “He raised me into a killer. I tortured men and women who had betrayed the Empire. I killed them. And after he planted memories in me of my family discussing treason, Trent had me kill them. I burned my mother and father’s house down, with them inside. That was when I broke. They put me in under a spell and holed me up in an asylum. I lived there for years before my mind was restored and I escaped. After that, I lived for five years as a beggar, until I met Nott - Veth - in a prison cell. We became a duo. And then we met the others. And they all saved me.”

He did not look at Essek when he finished. He stared at the floor, his mind screaming at him, one hand in Essek’s and the other scratching at his arm.

He felt Essek pull his hand away from his arm, now holding both of Caleb’s hands in his own. He squeezed them. “I am sorry.”

Caleb looked up to see a sadness in Essek’s eyes. “I am not practiced at this,” Essek said. “I don’t know what to say. But I am sorry for what you have been through, Caleb.”

Caleb himself barely knew how to have this conversation, and he fumbled with words for a moment before settling on, “Thank you.”

After a pause, Essek asked gently, "Would you like some tea?” while giving Caleb’s hands another quick squeeze. Caleb was thankful for the quick change in subject, the chance to breathe.

“ _Ja_ , please,” Caleb said. He felt worn out now, having bared his soul. He hoped it was worth it.

Essek stood, but kept one of Caleb's hands in his, guiding him up from the couch and toward the kitchen. Despite being emotionally exhausted, he still felt a small flutter in his stomach from holding Essek's hand as they made their way across the tower. When they reached the kitchen, Caleb let go to sit on a stool at the island counter, and Essek went to the other side to gather things.

Essek did not look terribly familiar with his own kitchen, Caleb noted, as he watched the man try to find his teacups. He had servants to cook for him, but Caleb thought back to when Essek had tried to make pastries on his own, just to please the Mighty Nein. He let a small smile fall onto his face as he pictured Essek struggling to bake.

"I hope you know I don't judge you," Essek said, bringing the teacups he'd found over to the kettle, and Caleb was brought back to the moment.

“That’s why I trusted you,” Caleb said, watching as Essek filled the teacups with telekinesis. “You and I are similar.”

Caleb watched a cup float in his direction, and he grabbed it from the air. The tea wasn’t as good as something Caduceus had made, but it was passable. Once he set the cup down, Essek glided to the other side of the counter to where Caleb sat, and he put a hand on his shoulder.

“Would you like a hug?” Essek asked, his voice betraying nerves. “I’m sorry if that’s too forward, I’m still figuring this out.”

Caleb felt his heart rise in his chest, and he was nervous too. “That would be nice,” he said.

Caleb stood and leaned in as Essek - somewhat stiffly - reached to wrap his arms around Caleb's shoulders. Caleb remembered the last time they had hugged, with Nott between them in Essek's lab, Essek even stiffer then in Caleb's arms than he was now. He wondered how often Essek got to do this. 

As they held each other, Caleb could feel Essek's heart beating rapidly in his chest, and he felt his own heart speeding up as well. He gave Essek a small squeeze, and felt him relax slightly in his arms. He noticed, then, that Essek was still floating - and he gently pulled Essek down to the floor before pulling away.

After they parted, they stayed standing close in each others' space. Caleb could feel that he was red in the face, and Essek was a shade of purple. Caleb couldn't help but think Essek looked good that way. 

“Thank you for trusting me with your history,” Essek said, looking Caleb in the eyes.

“ _Ja_ , well. Now you know. And this is why I can never judge you, either. I can’t.”

Essek let out a small sad laugh, “That is where we disagree. You - you are amazing, Caleb Widogast. You have done so much since then. I am a coward and a fool.”

Caleb reached up and touched Essek on the chin. “Maybe,” Caleb said, and Essek laughed sadly again. Caleb continued, “but we are here to help you change. I am here to help you change.”

Essek breathed out, "Why?" and Caleb noticed two things. First, that their faces had gotten very close, and second, that Essek looked like he was about to cry.

Caleb leaned further in, closing the gap between their lips. It was a soft kiss, a quick one, allowing Essek no time to react.

“You are our friend,” he said, when he pulled away. Essek's eyes were wide, his face deeper purple than it had already been. “And perhaps I am selfish. Perhaps I see myself in you. Perhaps I want you in my life, and I’m willing to fight to keep you here. Even if it means fighting against your past.”

Their foreheads were touching, now, and after a pause, Caleb added, “I like you, Essek Thelyss. They like you too. Perhaps not - quite in the same way as I do, but they do.”

“What - what way is that?”

“You are quite dense for a wizard,” he said, and he kissed him again, slowly and gently, and this time Essek had enough time to kiss him back. 

**Author's Note:**

> find me on tumblr at cpdustbowl


End file.
